The passion to be famous has inspired many people to become amazingly adequate.

Dying is eventually a healthy choice.

Originality is overrated; good copying counts too.

Every large organization has the same waste disposal problem: where to dump the bodies.

Aging was designed to prevent the popularization of nudity.

If you give me a judge, I owe you a ship.

Facelifts, breast implants and wigs don’t ward off death; they just make the corpses weirder.

To buy a BMW, frequent the dentist.

If you are pursued by a dinosaur, change organizations.

Fame is exhausting; obscurity is completely so.

The differences between men and women are mostly similar.

Whenever someone starts loving me to death, I begin to long to be alone.

Clothes make the man; impoverished children and women make the clothes.

Eat, drink and be wary for tomorrow you may live.

Be a nonconformist — let other people tell you what to do.

If you can’t afford the zoo, watch congress on TV.

Wit is ephemeral; fortunately so is dullness.

A warranty is our assurance that our purchases were designed to break.

To accept an invitation to a wedding is serious business; it is to agree to shorten your life by one day.

It is an amazing coincidence: Believers in divine predestination are the very same people as those chosen for eternal salvation.

What you must do to win an election generally disqualifies you from being elected.

Maturity is when your weight is at its maximum and you know the paremiological minimum.

God made dice, then he made men and women.

Sarcasm is making clear what we don’t believe to people who don’t believe us.

A child without a TV is like a horse without a tennis racket.

Luck invented awards; effort made them seem legitimate.

Most of us know we have a soul, we just can’t remember where we left it.

Mark Twain would be pleasantly surprised; naked people have increased in influence.

Sex sells, but not like junk.

Those who say there are no misakes have never been on the wrong end of one.

When everyone but you is nuts, you can be sure it’s you that’s putz.

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